Friday, December 17, 2010

The Top 10's of 2010

Hello friends,
Mike here with our end of the year countdown. Here are the Top Ten things in 2010 that we feel the need to mention again. This isn't just the best movies or songs but more than that. This is a Top Ten list to end all Top Ten lists (sorry Mr. Letterman).
10. Best Internet sketch group of 2010: Magic Hugs

Magic Hugs was started by Scott Blair and Tim Wilkerson out of Southern Illinois University. Like most comedy groups in our post 9/11 world, they started out of their hatred for Nicholas Cage movies. This year has been a great one for Magic Hugs, starting out with "Sprinkles" in the beginning of the year and following with great videos like "Cover Me" and the ongoing series "How To Be Tight" .  With appearances at Just for Laughs and celebrity cameos, Magic Hugs is on its way to the top of the sketch comedy ladder. That ladder by the way, is metaphorical.....


9. Best mobile game of 2010: Angry Birds

Addictive game play, puzzle elements and replay ability are pretty much what you need in any mobile game. Angry Birds take that to an entirely new level. You play as a set of angry birds that are trying to destroy the evil green pig's regime for stealing your eggs. You basically catapult the different colored birds at the makeshift castles and such the pigs have made from things like wood, ice or stone. The different colored birds are different power-ups. Blue birds are smaller and can split up shotgun style when you tap the screen, Black birds can explode like cannon balls, etc. The more you play the more addictive it is. Keep an eye on Rovio, the company was recently bought by EA and seems to be one of the forefront mobile gaming studios. Check all their awards here. Well, not there, but here .


8. Funniest video mocking Nicholas Cage in 2010:

With so many videos popping up now a days illustrating just how insane the Cage is, it was hard to find the right one. But, hh1edits over on the ole' Youtubes has compiled all the moments in which he.... Well the title says it all:


7. Rapper/Actor of 2010: Childish Gambino/Donald Glover

With former recipients of this award going to such stars as Ice-T, Snoop Dogg, and Joaquin Phoenix it was pretty simple choosing this years winner. He has risen above most of his peers in every field he works in (more than just the two). He is a revolutionary in the electronic age by producing a lot of material and releasing it all for FREE. I know that isn't very original but here is the kicker. This shit is good. It's damn good. From his sampling of Indie songs in the EP's "I am just a Rapper" and "I am just a Rapper 2" to his full length "Culdesac", every rhyme this kid spits out is better than the last. Do yourself a favor and download everything he has ever put out. And keep an eye on his blog  for random songs he likes to post. As for the acting portion of this award, Donald is on one of the funniest shows on TV, Community, he is to make an appearance in the much anticipated new Muppets movie and wrote and starred along with his Derrick Comedy pals  in "Mystery Team". This guy will run everything one day.


6. Best Metal band that broke up in 2010: ISIS

ISIS was a very heavy band out of LA that was founded in Boston. This band literally rocked from coast to coast. They announced their break up earlier this year while on tour. They played their scheduled show at Bonnaroo and played in Montreal, the same city their first show was in. Their reason for breaking up was simply they had " done everything we wanted to do, said everything we wanted to say." They were pioneers in the post-rock world. They took Sludge metal to places it had never been before, and might not ever be again. To go out in a blaze of glory is an awesome thing, that most artists never get a chance to do. Check out all of their stuff for the love of your God.


5. Sexiest ensemble of 2010: Ladies of Mad Men
Ill let the pictures do the talking for this one....

Alison Brie, Peyton List, Christina Hendricks, January Jones and Elisabeth Moss

***in no particular order

4. Best Animated show I should be too old to watch- Adventure Time with Finn and Jake

What time is it? It's time for kid's programming to be years ahead of itself, again. Adventure Time (AT) was created by Pendleton Ward who worked on various other shows including the award winning "Marvelous Misadventures of Flapjack". AT was originally a short that gained a lot of popularity on the Internet and garnered some award talk at the Annie's. Cartoon Network picked it up and it has shown some really great ratings since it's premiere earlier this year.

It's basic premise is about a boy names Finn and his adventures with his best friend, Jake, a magical dog who can contort his body and change size at will. They battle monsters and usually have a moral or two thrown in. What sets this show apart form most other kid's shows is the unique visual style, the array of quality voice acting (John Di Maggio anyone?), and it is really funny. It's often compared to when Spongebob first premiered on Nickelodeon.

With it's first season over and a Prime time Emmy nod under their belts this is a show to keep an eye on. Plus, anyone who gives Maria Bamford


3. Movie for my generation of 2010- The Social Network

 Let's pretend this entire movie is a work of fiction, that way we don't have to argue about what is fact or not. But to me, this movie has some serious messages to tell the world about my generation.

 We have amazing ideas to improve everything but we refuse to work the same way our father's did. We don't wear suits, but we are billionaires. We wont work in a cubicle but we will work long days. The world is quickly changing thanks to us and you better follow or get the fuck out of the way.

 The movie follows Mark Zuckerburg go from being a depressed Harvard student to stealing an idea for a Social Network form classmates, changing it, making it better and making it cool. Then it basically follows how he used these ideas to become rich as all hell and fuck over some people on the way up. Also, the soundtrack from Trent Reznor is one of the best thing's he has ever worked on. 10 times better than his "Into The Wild" soundtrack. The music along with David Fincher's visual style and Aaron Sorkin's dialogue makes this a very very good and important movie.
Again because everyone is a boner, I cant embed the clip here but check out the link below for a short video:


2. Most anticipated return to late night TV- Conan
                                                                        (via Gawker)
We have all lost our jobs. It's pretty embarrassing and most people just make up a short handed story to tell people that may leave out some details just to help the length of the story. Conan didn't get that chance, because when you are fired from late night TV, the whole world is talking about it. In January Conan was taken off the Tonight Show and TV until September. During the summer, He went on tour to 30 cities including the music festival Bonnaroo in what he called the "Legally Prohibited From Being Funny On TV Tour". There he and his Tonight Show clan, including Andy Richter, put on one of the best live shows in years, as far as comedy is concerned. Not since Monty Python toured the US had there been this much buzz about a comedy tour.

Then, in May Conan's Twitter account (@ConanOBrien) reached over a million followers after only have been created a couple months before that. He used this medium to make jokes about where his show would go and all the free time he had.

Conan returned to TV by way of TBS in November of 2010 with his new show Conan. It is pretty similar to the wackiness and over the top-ness of his Late Night with Conan and Tonight Show were. Max Weinberg was the only one to be replaced by Jimmy Vivino and the Basic Cable Band. With better and better guests and sketches the other late night hosts have already seen the face of their biggest competition, and it's freckly and pale. 
1. Entertainer of the year, 2010- Doug Benson

 Doug Benson has been putting on a live show at the UCB theater in LA for years now. It's called Doug Loves Movies (formerly I Love Movies with Doug Benson) and they talk about, you guessed it, movies. Doug invites three celebrity guests to discuss current and favorite films. Since Doug and most of his guests are high the conversation might steer away form that subject or mock it, which is always funny.

DLM also introduced to the world, "The Leonard Maltin Game", a basic "Name That Tune" with movie titles and actors. I will attempt to the best of my ability to explain how the LM game works so that at your next nerdy party you can play as well.

You are supposed to use the LM app or one of his books but I find IMDB works well too.

-Pick 3 categories of movies (a specific actor, westerns, sequels, etc.)
-Pick 3 different movies based on category and have a player pick based on the year the movie came out (1999, 2001, 1979, etc.)
-Now that the category and year are chosen you can give clues. The clues come from a review. You want to use clues that will almost hurt more than help (A lot of walking, Main character is annoying, etc)
- Then based on credited names, the players bet how many names, starting at the bottom, it would take them to guess the title of the movie. Until a player doesn't think they can top the person before them or if the person before them is bluffing they say, "Name that movie!"
-If you get it right you get a point. If you get it wrong the person who told you to name that movie gets a point.
***- You can guess into negative names wherein you guess the title first then give names going from the starring role down. It's tricky but not impossible.

Doug spent a lot of his time this year lobbying around the country for pro marijuana laws to be passed and more importantly, getting young people to vote. He toured around under the name "Pot the Vote" tour. Though the legalization ballot didn't pass in California, his home state, he continues to be optimistic that one day the country runners will come to their senses and decriminalize pot, or that young people will vote... whichever comes first.

Mr. Benson is also the reason Twitter exists. Not really, but he is probably the best person to follow. Hilarious live tweets of things ranging from award shows to plane flights. He is also great when it comes to fake feuds with Todd Barry and playing games with his millions of followers. You can follow him @DougBenson .

Last but not least, while every comedian and their mothers are pumping out sketch comedy shows, Doug did something that needed to be done. He took his live show "The Benson Interruption" and put it on TV. The difference? IT ACTUALLY HAS FUNNY PEOPLE DOING FUNNY STAND UP!!! Who would've thought that old idea would work?!? Well, at least two people....

We tried to interview Doug for this article but he was too busy. Or, too high.


Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood

Hey there folks, Trey here with my review of Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood.

Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood picks up exactly where the Assassin's Creed 2 left off. You follow Desmond living through his ancestor's memories as an older more confident Ezio Auditore de Firenze, along with his brotherhood of assassins, attempts to liberate Rome from the hands of the corrupt Borgia family.
The entire game, with the exception of a few side-missions for an old friend, takes place in Rome. Although Rome may not have the sparkling canals of Venice or the sky-piercing cathedrals of Florence it has gritty feel while in the city that makes assassinations really feel like they should take place here. Rome is very large and many famous landmarks are present (and for purchase) such as the Roman Forum, the Vatican and the Coliseum. 
The game is a direct followup to Assassin's Creed 2, that being said there aren't many changes in graphic design or gameplay mechanics. The game is still just as beautiful, with all of Rome sprawled out before you as Ezio gazes down at his next unfortunate victim. The voice acting is top quality, just be sure to turn on the subtitles if you would like to udnerstand the Englitalian that is spoken throughout. Nolan North, everyone's favorite video-game voice actor, reprises his role as Desmond. The game mechanics are still solid for the most part. Free-running and climbing up buildings is still simple and natural feeling. In addition to all the gadgets in the first game you have a few more that make you almost feel sorry for your intended targets. The only downfall in the mechanics department, and this is the downfall for many 3rd person games, is the camera and more specifically the targeting mechanism. So many times while attempting to shoot my target I would end up shooting his bodyguard instead, beginning a cat-and-mouse chase through the streets of Rome that was completely unnecessary. However this small problem is my only qualm in this entire game, and that's saying something.
New to Brotherhood is the institution of the recruit system. As you decrease Borgia influence in Rome you can begin to recruit citizens to your cause. You then send your recruits on missions and they increase in level and power as they achieve success under your tutelage. Along with sending your fledglings on missions you can also call for their aid on missions of your own. I was running along the roofs of Rome and I saw a guard in the distance who was not going to be happy of my presence on his rooftop. With the simple press of a button one of my dear recruits sprang out of a nearby terrace and ended his miserable existence, allowing me to continue unhindered. Be careful though, for when you lose a recruit they are gone for good...complete with mourning cut-scene.
Finally Brotherhood brings with it the first taste of Multiplayer in the assassin's world. However that is for another time and place, say, next week?
Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood is a solid installment in the Abstergo/Assassin conflict that leaves the plot at another cliffhanger that ensures millions of units sold for Assassin's Creed 3. With solid mechancis, visuals and audio you can't ask for much more out of a game. Myself and others will anxiously be waiting on Ubisoft to put out the next chapter in Desmond's epic saga.
Nerd Points: 9/10
Trey out

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

NEW VIDEO: Call of Duty: Jack Offs

Mike here,

This is a video that Trey and I shot over Thanksgiving break. The Internet finally gets to see what Trey looks like! A handsome man indeed folks. We realized that after all the hidden Easter eggs in CoD BlOps were revealed, we had stumbled across one more that our immature minds couldn't resist. You're welcome Internet, you faceless number cruncher!

Monday, November 29, 2010

Sanguine Friday

I took part in the holiday hamster-wheel tradition of "Black Friday" this year against my better judgment. As I hate shopping, crowds, and the wee-hours of the morning this came as a shock. As I was riding around the parking lot of the mall, looking for a spot and dodging collisions, I began thinking (I like to think that this was the very first time I was thinking that wretched morn) about why I was doing this thing that I abhorred.

Usualy when human beings go about doing something they dislike there is some core reason behind it. For instnace many people hate, or at least marginally dislike, their jobs yet they routinely wake up, drive their commute through that part of the city that they hate, and sit in their cubicle pondering suicidal thoughts until quitting time (or the end of the world, whichever comes first). The reason behind all of this is money, a reward for a job completed that our society has deemed necessary for all to have to enjoy a decent quality of life.

At this point, still looking for a spot by the way, my train of thought was careening down the tracks like a bad Denzel Washington movie and I started thinking of things that I do for extended periods of time that don't bring me much joy. World of Warcraft, that unforgiving mistress, instantly came to mind. Not that the game is boring by any means, or that I am so addicted that I find no joy yet I continue to play it, but at times I find myself repeating the same mindless action for hours be it needless slaughter of an entire species of giant-deer, or simply fishing for fake fish. Grinding, and as a sub-category "farming", is an extraordinary gaming phenomenon. While this mostly applies to RPG's (including the MMO kind) it can be found in other games as well. Many nerds spend large quantities of their lives killing nature elementals for the mere purpose of bringing their mossy innards to a virtual market for virtual money. Unfortunately for me I am generally the auctioneer at this very market, tracking the highs and lows of this virtual economy, flushing my life away and having a hell of a time doing it.
Trey out

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

If I Did It.... Captain America Movie

Hello all,
Mike here. Welcome to the first ever "If I Did It..." Which is basically our own version of something cool. It's not Fan-Fiction, it's a god damn plea.

Now that Marvel has Disney money to throw around, they are being a little more adventurous with their movie adaptations allowing lesser known heroes to have movies. Sometimes it works , and sometimes it doesn't . With the announcement of an Avengers movie a couple of years ago, Marvel knew they would have to have a film for each character so that they could avoid any unnecessary, long winded explanations or origin stories.  So, the next venture out is the Golden Age hero himself, Captain America.

The story apparently is summarized as such:

Based on the Marvel Comics character from World War II. A brave, yet mild-mannered young soldier named Steve Rogers, volunteers to undergo a series of experiments for a US army Super Soldier program. The military succeeds in transforming him into a human weapon, but quickly decide that their Super Soldier is far too expensive a creation to risk in combat. So, they decide to put him to use as an army celebrity and parade him across Europe to boost morale by performing in USO shows for American troops. He is even given a costume that bear the colors of Old Glory for the stage. Then, when a Nazi plot reveals itself Rogers must rise up and and become the First Avenger, in order to save his country. Steve Rogers becomes Captain America and he earns his way into the hearts and souls of every American, bringing hope and justice to a war-weary nation. Later, during a mission to Germany to stop his archenemy - The Red Skull, from launching rockets at the allies, Captain America sacrifices himself and winds up frozen in ice for almost six decades! Revived, Steve Rogers now must join forces with new heroes and become an Avenger of the modern age

Ok, now if I did it, I wouldn't set most of the movie in WW2. I'd start with a very bad ass battle scene between Cap, Bucky, Nick Fury and the Howlin' Commando's (Wolverine anyone?) and some fucking Nazi's with some crazy Nazi weapons .  Actually you could base the whole opening, tone and all, off of this one piece of concept art from the actual movie:

I'm not saying the tone of the real version wont be this good but, Jesus, compare it to this:

Yikes. Anyways, back to if I did it.

They would chase down "The Red Skull" to his hideout in some creepy part of Iceland and capture "him". They would unmask him to reveal that it is really Baron Zemo , a high ranking scientist in the Nazi ranks, governed by the real Red Skull. Zemo launches a missile towards what we assume is America. Cap and Bucky take off down a runway on an old-timey motorcycle while dogfights are going on all around them at the top of this tower/castle. Cap and Bucky leap off the cycle at the end of the runway and manage to just barely grab onto the missile. They try to disarm it but are both blown up while they're teammates look on in horror.

Cut to Cap waking up 20 years later, being told about the accident and how he was found frozen in a block of ice and was revived in order to help stop The Red Skull who has taken to power in Europe and is planning to start a nuclear WW3. Blah Blah Blah Cap fights giant robots and Nazi super humans and is being stalked the entire time by Sin, The Red Skull's daughter/heir, Crossbones (Sin's boyfriend and The Red Skull's own Mercenary Assassin for hire) and a very mysterious highly trained killer codenamed The Winter Soldier. Known by his metal arm and big red star.

Ok so to catch up all of you folks who aren't fortunate enough to keep up with the comics, The Winter Soldier is Bucky who survived the explosion (just like Cap) but lost his arm in the process. He was picked up by a Russian submarine and brainwashed to work for them. He was already highly skilled in hand to hand and shooting but the Russians also gave him a lot of skills as an explosions expert and such. The Red Skull found out his true identity and offered him a position in his ranks. Now that folks, is evil.

Roughly, the end of the flick would go something like this:

Cap tells Winter Soldier during a fight on The Red Skull's freighter about his past and how Red Skull killed his family and in order to cover it up. Winter Soldier turns on Red Skull after gaining some of his memory back but the Red Skull uses a device that deactivates his bionic arm and locks up his whole body. Then the Red Skull makes Winter Soldier watch as he does the one things he has always wanted to do: kill Captain America. Winter Soldier manages to rip off his bionic arm, freeing him of his momentary paralysis. The ship is going down in the middle of the ocean, with WS and a dead Steve Rogers still on it. WS desperately tries to carry Roger's body off the ship with him, and he is about to give up before a mass of S.H.I.E.L.D agents storm the boat, rush by Winter Soldier and Cap and begin to take apart a device on the ship. WS blacks out as both him and Cap are being escorted off the freighter and onto a Helli-carrier.

WS is woken up by a gun butt to the jaw, where he is being interrogated by a shadowy figure revealed to be Nick Fury. He is asking him why The Red Skull left him there to die and why was he carrying Steve Roger's body. "Because he was my friend..." WS says. To which Fury replies, "So then you remember, do you Bucky?" He then tells him he will have to spend many years accounting for his past actions with The Red Skull and the Russians and providing S.H.I.E.L.D with Intel.

Then just to tie in into The Avengers Movie I would end the film (pre credits) with Tony Stark coming in saying "No. We need him. And you'll need this." As he tosses Cap's shield at him.

Post credits would show a row of graves at Arlington National Cemetery with Bucky standing near Steve Roger's memorial. He would just stand there in silence then put on the Captain America mask and ride away.

Hell yes.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1

Hey there folks, Trey here
Harry Potter has been, more or less, a staple for many in my generation. The genius of the novels was that J.K. Rowling kept the content of the books applicable to the ages of the majority of her readers as we aged (let's call us generation "H") However that is neither her not there.
I recently saw David Yates take on the darkest of all the Harry Potter novels over the weekend and was not disappointed. The film had to be broken into two parts (part two is planned to kick-off mid-July) in order to fit all of the content that they needed to not disappoint the readers. Unfortunately the first half of The Deathly Hallows is not what anyone would call exhilarating. The movie flies off to a fast-paced start complete with spell-flinging, flying, and a certain antagonist who must-not-be-named. After that the movie grinds to a spell-binding halt while Potter and Co. set the stage and emotional background for the showdown that inevitably must come in Part two. The strangest thing that non-readers will discover is that none of the movie takes part in Hogwarts. By breaking this mold of every other movie, and novel for that matter, Yates had a decent amount of creativity as far as setting was concerned. Unfortunately instead of the hallowed (no pun intended) halls of Hogwarts the majority of the movie is a Lord of the Rings meets The Blair Witch Project woods walk while the protagonists figure out why there is so much sexual tension between Harry and his broomstick and if Ron has a soul.
The general mood of the movie is gloomy and sullen, whether that's because Voldemort is running rampant or if it's simply because they're in England I can't tell. While this saturnine effect is necessary for the audience to understand the feeling of the world during this time of crisis (Think Russia during WWII) it's a dreary 40 minutes of Dumbledore's Army walking aimlessly trying to figure out their next move. However in Yates' defense this part of the book was even more dull than the movie, so kudos to David this death-blow to my conscious state into a mere Jimmy-tap.
The acting in this movie is quality. All the same faces are back that we know and have grown to love and no one can really think of a mental image of Harry Potter without Daniel Radcliffe popping into your head. In fact most of these characters that we have seen grow into adults from mere babes have basically become synonymous with their characters. Thus it was rather odd seeing some Emma Watson side-boob, it's kind've like seeing your little sister's side-boob which in most states is disconcerting at least.
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows did not disappoint by any means. Hardcore bookworms will find thousands of faults with it but as far as films go I would rank it as one of the best Potter films. Yates broke out of his Rom-Com style of the 6th film and made exactly what I was expecting for a film adaptation of my favorite book in the Potter series.
Trey out
Power was my weakness and my temptation

Friday, November 19, 2010

Cafeteria Fraiche'

Mike here with another weekly South Park report.

Last night on South Park, they made fun of old people. They made fun of old guys by showing how obsessed Randy March had become with the Food Network. Even going as far as a sexual obsession with food. He stays up late to watch shows hosted by people I've never heard of. I guess I should start by saying how much I hate the Food Network and think its one of the most pointless things on this planet. Randy also becomes the new chef at the boy's elementary school, making them film him so he can have his own Food Network type show.

On the other spectrum, Sharon Marsh is fed up with this new infatuation her husband has. She even goes as far to sustain their relationship as blocking the channel using parent controls. She confides in Sheila Broflovski that she isn't feeling attractive to her husband anymore, to which Sheila suggest she try getting in shape with the "Shake Weight". This is a real piece of workout equipment that happens to comically simulate handjobs. Here, check it out:

Yup. Mothers all over the country are spending money on these fucking things.

I have to admit, this episode wasn't very strong. Whenever they want to have a grown up in South Park acting foolish it is usually Randy. My guess is that because he is so childish and immature he gets the same pass the kids do on the show for saying ridiculous things and getting in situations that are way over their heads. This is first seen in the season 3 episode Spontaneous Combustion. Wherein Randy cant stop imagining men cheering him and women begging to sleep with him everywhere he goes if he can just solve the problem of people randomly exploding all over town.

I like the character of Randy but with all the lame pop culture jokes and the repeated jokes over and over and over and over again, this episode was just a letdown to be nice about it. I cant help but ask who decided to put this on right after the "Coon and Friends Trilogy"? I guess when you spend less than two weeks making a cartoon, they cant all be as genius as most of them are. Well, here's to keeping your head up and knowing its only seven days until another one. And chances are it'll be pretty funny.

Can you find "Happy Batman"?

This is the equivalent of a when some old lady from Dakota finds what appears to be a picture of Jesus or Satan in her oatmeal. I found this image on my driveway last night. Can you spot the Happy Batman?

What? He doesn't smile very often...


Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Cadillac Man. A short story by Mike

Kim was just a mother. Just a hard working, loving mother. She had never received a formal education as she had her first son, Kevin when she was only 17 and still in high school. She had heard stories about young mothers growing up to resent their children for “stealing” their youth. But, the truth was that Kim was a very lonely person her whole life. This child was a blessing in her eyes to distract herself from the frightening reality of things in life like your children’s father leaving you behind for a life as an NFL linesman.

Kim and Mark were high school sweethearts until Kim became pregnant. Up until the he was born, Mark denied that the child was his. It was only on the day he was born did Mark act like a father. Holding his child’s mothers hand during the birth, and cradling him in his arms with tears in his eyes. Kim knew it wouldn’t last long. Mark had been accepted to the Louisiana State University on a full football scholarship. From there he went on to win many awards while in school for his dedication on the football field. Kim had kept the secret about Kevin for years so Mark could continue with his career without persecution.

During the last game of his college career, Mark had suffered a broken leg injury. He was told that he might never play football again and to start looking towards another future. After lengthy sessions with the teams pastor he returned to Kim to make up for the years he was absent from her and Kevin’s life. About seven months later he started to receive word form his doctors that he could start physical rehab. He was back on the field a couple of months later and signed as a free agent to the New Orleans Saints. The contract called for three years and 15 million dollars. During his stay at home, in beautiful Hornbeck, LA, he got Kim pregnant with their second child, Vera.

The morning was always rough for this broken family. The children would always wake up hungry and cranky. Kim could not afford to buy them breakfast foods so she would often take the children to her mother’s house to do laundry and eat breakfast. In the world of heartache and callous souls that Kim lived in her whole life, she was always able to retreat to her mother for comfort and warmth.

This morning was especially hard. Kevin was sick with a pretty high fever and Kim was worried that Vera would get sick during the night, since her and her older brother had to share a bed.
“Kevin, could you go down to the corner and get your mama a newspaper?” Kim asked.

There was no reply.

“Ok, fine. Can you stay here and watch your sister for a minute while I run down and get one then?”

Again, no reply.

Though she lacked the formal education our society clings to as a staple for success and happiness, Kim was intelligent. Her daily reading of the newspaper was her escape and anchor to this world. And since the nice man who owned the bodega across the street from the project she lived in always gave her a left over one from the day before for free (he said it wasn’t considered news anymore since it was a day old) she had made it a habit. Kim had also read somewhere that reading to your children at an early age will help drive their hunger for knowledge. The kids didn’t mind having the funny pages read to them, either.

On the way to the bus stop that would usher them to breakfast, a man stopped them and was asking for money. Kim politely told him she had no money for him. She could see the sadness pouring out of her children for this man. They didn’t understand why a man would just ask for money instead of working for it, like everyone else. Or, why their mother couldn’t help this man out in some way. They didn’t understand why their mother would turn this man away when all their short lives she has explained to them the importance of sharing and love.

Kim was wearing her worn out, thrift store jacket to hold in her body heat form the outside air. It was before the sun had risen over the horizon so she knew it would get warmer after that. She hadn’t known the small joy that comes to woman from buying new clothes. It was almost an alien concept for her. With one pocket containing ten dollars for the bus ride to and from her mothers and the other containing half of the rent she owed to her landlord. Kim didn’t have a bank account and so she had to give cash to her mother and she would write a check. This was a once a month hassle for her and everyone involved.

As they finally trudged up to the bench that she had spent more time on than an actual bus seat, Kevin began to moan. Kim knew her son was very ill, and shouldn’t be outside in this weather but there was no other option. She knew once they got to her mothers house he could fill his stomach with hot food and lay back down. Everything was going to be alright.

The road was empty, as it usually was at this time of day. You could usually count how many cars would drive by on one hand until rush hour. The street wouldn’t even look the same after that. Stretches of pavement would turn into stretches of bumper to bumper people in their metal cages. Applying makeup, drinking their morning coffee, singing along to the radio or just simply screaming at everyone else on the road for not driving quite like they wanted them to. These were the sights of the morning commuters. That is, until Kim started to read the newspaper everyday. Now, she just has to be able to keep her attention on the letters and not on the engines, horns or yelling that filled the morning air.

Kevin was using his mothers lap as a pillow trying to sleep until the bus arrived. He knew it was only a short ride after that in the warm bus, to his grand mother’s house and a belly full of food. Vera was playing with her mother’s hair saying things like “bewteeful” and “pwetty” between each stroke with her hand. Vera was old enough to start talking in sentences but since the two people she is with all day are quiet and reserved, her speech was few and far between. Even when she would talk it was usually only one or two words at a time.

Kim looked up from her newspaper when she saw bright lights pierce through the morning twilight. In fact, they were so bright that she thought it was the public bus she and her starving children were praying for. As it got closer she noticed it wasn’t the bus so her attention was diverted back to the newspaper.

“Who that?” Vera asked her mother.

Kim was surprised to see the oncoming car was coming to a stop right in front of her. The car was an older Cadillac. It could no longer be considered a “luxury” car anymore. It looked like it had been involved in several minor accidents and assaults. There was a man inside who looked rather scared.

“Gimme your money! Now!” he demanded
“Please…” Kim whispered. But before she could say anything else, the man pulled out a handgun and pointed it right at her from the driver’s seat.
“I aint fuckin witch you, lady. Ill hurt them kids if I need to.”

Kim stood up slowly. She reached into her pocket and felt over $200. She needed this money though. This was for her and her family. Without it they would not be able to pay rent. She reached into her other pocket and pulled out ten dollars and threw it at the man in the car.
“There. That’s all I have. It was my children and my bus fare. Please, just leave us alone now.”
“Ten dollars?!” exclaimed the petty thief. “You gonna need a little more dan dat if you and yo kids wanna make it home alive today.”

Kim explained to the man that that was all the money she had. She begged him to leave and to not hurt anyone. As the man was about to get out of his car and make his way over to her, a wonderful sound was heard coming down the street. Cars. Traffic. People. Witnesses. Help.

She knew there was no way he would shoot them in front of an audience, and he would probably leave once he noticed it too. But he didn’t leave. He sat there with his emergency lights on, waiting. In less than five minutes the entire street was filled. Cars poured in from both directions, filling in the space in front of Kim, her children, the Cadillac and this man. This disgusting man. Unshaven and dirty. He looked like he smelled bad. He was also terribly ugly, Kim noticed. Not just physically but spiritually and emotionally. She could see it written in his cold dark eyes.

Why doesn’t anyone notice, Kim wondered. These people are so self involved they can’t even notice that the young impoverished mother of two sitting on a bus stop bench not even 15 feet away from them is being robbed at gunpoint. Maybe they did notice, but the caring just wasn’t there. They figure they’ll just read about it the newspaper and shake their heads at this kind of world.

The man in the Cadillac was now angrier than ever. He propositioned her one more time to either give him the rest of her money or he would shoot one of them. With tears in her eyes and the screams of her children in each ear she looked up at the man and simply said, “NO”.

She heard the gunshot first. It seemed to echo off of everything. The trees, the sky and even the noise in the air. The initial bang was quickly followed by something that sounded very similar to the tone you hear on a television when there is an emergency broadcast. She felt her children and herself covered in blood. She could see all three of them dying in the street without anyone to help them. She could see in her mind the man taking the contents of her pockets and driving away. Counting all the money out loud as if he had actually worked for it. She could see the man laughing about it to all his associates.

Nothing. She opened her eyes and could see nothing. Hear nothing. Feel nothing. Not that there was an absence in any of these senses but that there was nothing wrong. Her children were looking up at her as if to say “I’m ok, are you?” with their eyes.

It doesn’t happen very often, but when a pistol isn’t kept up properly with regular cleanings and such, it can jam. When a gun jams often and is still never kept up correctly it can backfire. Most of the time when a handgun backfires it will pop the metal slightly possibly exploding the barrel of the gun, severely burning the shooters hand. But every now and then a rare occurrence takes place where the bullet will shoot out the back of the gun. The bullet meant for Kim, Kevin and Vera now lay in the forehead of the man in the Cadillac.

The End

Monday, November 15, 2010


Hey there folks, Trey here
So I've been mulling over the idea of the Kinect for the past couple days. I'm sure many of you are in my shoes and are un-sure as to why we should purchase another "gimmicky" motion-sensing peripheral. I bought into the Wii fad, but in two weeks my thumbs yearned to be placed on the sweet, rubbery thumb-sticks of more conventional controllers. Ever since then I have had the mind-set that no "serious gaming" can be done with a motion-sensing preipheral. From that stand-point my initial thoughts on Microsoft's foray into the motion-sensing world were that it just wasn't for me. The launch titles for the Kinect feature the same expected play-types: a mash-up of various sports genres and a dance game from the makers of Rock Band, not my cup of technological tea. While the games may not seem appealing some, what catches my fancy is the plethora of little options the Kinect boasts for navigating and utilizing the non-gaming facets of the Xbox 360 system. The Kinect can recognize faces and will automatically sign you in when you walk in view of its camera. Small motors in the Kinect itself allow it to pan up and down to make sure that you are always in frame, no matter what size you are. The Kinect also responds to many verbal commands, that way you can control your Xbox just like Kirk ran the enterprise. Simply stating "Xbox..." followed by a verbal command your platform will perform functions at you whim! Finally you can control the sliding menus of the xbox by waving your hand, much as you would wave away a pestering servant...or girlfriend. While the Kinect may not have the response necessary to play the games that most "hard-core" gamers would enjoy, the menu operations available will make you feel like you're Captain Picard and Neo rolled into one, which would be the next best-selling sci-fi hero, played by Donnie Wahlberg.
Trey out
I'm a fan of good horror movies

Saturday, November 13, 2010

NEW VIDEO: "Mike's Trip (Yeasayer)"

Hey kids,
Mike here, with a new video I recently made to document my trip from:

to DC 

to Chicago

to Denver by train and

Colorado Springs

to Dallas/Ft. Worth

to Tampa by plane.

I'm unoriginal so i just called it "Mike's Trip". The song is by Yeasayer called "Tightrope". Re-post for me would ya?

Friday, November 12, 2010

The Force Is Lame With This One

Hey there, folks. Trey here
Awakening from a sleep that very well could have been called divine, I found myself reminiscing on the recent exploits of a certain Rancher. Star Wars: The Force Unleashed II certainly fell short of the hype (as all games tend to do), yet this one disappointed me more than my top-hat on prom night. The plot is thin, short, and doesn't stand up by's a flaccid Lucas plot. And I don't know what Star Wars' obsession is with the cave on Dagobah, but it makes no sense anytime anyone goes in there.
Really the idea behind TFE II seemed to be "Let's set the scene for the final installment in the trilogy!" but in doing so they ruined everyones' bad-ass concepts of Starkiller, Vader, Yoda, and Boba Fett. And in the end the character that comes out looking the most bad-ass? No one. Everyone in this game is made out to be a whiney bitch.
-Trey out
Stretch out with your feelings...No, not there!

Thursday, November 11, 2010


Hello All,
Mike here with another weekly segment we would like to introduce, our Thursday article about the previous nights South Park . We know we're a little late into an amazing season but we will have a wrap up of the entire season with episode break downs and a special article about 200 and 201. But, for now lets talk about the recent Coon & Friends trilogy. The first episode featured the return of Cartman's super powerless alter-ego "The Coon". This time the rest of the neighborhood kids join him to form a "Super Friends" like club.

One of the best nods to the fans came with the fact that almost half of the kids were covered up or ambiguous sounding enough to where you had to follow along and try and guess who The Human Kite, The Mosquito, Mysterion and my personal favorite: Mint -Berry Crunch! were. Although they never said who Mysterion was in the last Coon story, they give it away that it was Kenny pretty quickly. That leaves us to guess until one by one who the rest are. Mint-Berry Crunch is obviously just one of the background kids in the class. During a line up of sorts, they also reveal The Mosquito to be Clyde and from his voice, coldness to Cartman and process of elimination, Kyle is the Human Kite (to which Cartman pronounces "Human Kike")

 From Left: Kyle as Human Kite, Kenny as Mysterion, Stan as Toolshed, Cartman as The Coon, Token as Tupperware, Clyde as The Mosquito, Timmy (in back) as Iron Maiden and Bradley as Mint-Berry Crunch!

One joke that seemed to be a lazy throwback form one episode to another was the "What should I do?" monologues of The Coon for being kicked out of C&F, Tony Hayward for the Gulf oil spill that led to a dark overlord named "Cthulhu" to sprout form the moon, Captain Hindsight (a superhero who has the power of hindsight) for drinking too much and letting himself down and Mysterion trying to figure out if he should use his powers.

What powers does Mysterion have? Well since he's Kenny, he can't die. It has already been revealed that Kenny always comes back after he dies because his mother just has another baby that looks like Kenny, so they just call him Kenny. Now it is revealed that Kenny's parents had joined a cult centered around the rise of Cthulhu before he was born. They claim they were not into all the dark arts stuff and were simply there for the free beer. And when Mysterion and the rest of the super hero kids get banished to the dark dimension where Cthulhu comes from Kenny says how it all looks so familiar.

Cartman teams up with Cthulhu to get back at his friends for kicking him out of his own club and begins to go around the world killing everything that pisses Cartman off, i.e hippies in San Francisco, Jewish Temples. The relationship between Cartman and Cthulhu begins to get weird as South Park makes yet another reference to the old Loony Tunes cartoons by having Cartman pretend to be a cat sleeping on Cthulhu's back.

                                                                awwww they're fwiends....

After Kenny learns from the goth kids (to which you find out that Bradley aka Mint-Berry Crunch! is the fat one, Henrietta's, little brother) that Cthulhu is immortal and can only be beaten by another immortal. Kenny then knows he will have to sacrifice himself to save the world. After a brief altercation at a Justin Bieber concert, Cartman convinces Cthulhu to not fight Mysterion and to continue reeking havoc with him.

As a wink to superman backstory, an interstellar transmission begins to play out of thin air in front of Kenny. It tells him about how he is really an alien named "Gok-zarah" and that is why he has powers that normal humans do not. He explains he must harness his abilities to overcome the evil that is ruining his planet and focus his powers of Mint and Berries with a satisfying, tasty crunch. The camera then pans over to show that the message is meant for Mint- Berry Crunch who ran away from Cthulhu and later teamed up with Mysterion after heroically watching Judge Judy. M-BC then fly's away and saves the day, leaving everyone confused.

In the three part-er they kept using comic book story boards with character voice over's to drive the story which as a comic book nerd I have to say I loved. It was usually from one of the kid's perspective so it was over the top like a child's imagination would be. It reminded me of the times when i would run around my neighborhood friends with towels tied around our necks like capes fighting invisible villains and saving the world. This multi- episode block that South Park keep doing is a great idea. Its like theyre making these hour long movies that are allowed to be extremely ridiculous ( Cartoon Wars, Go God Go!, Imagination Land, Pandemic, 200-201) and are usually the highlights of the season. This is the second three part-er and it turned out to be just as hilarious and exiting as Imagination Land.

As a long time fan I hope to see them continue this trend in future seasons. By continually adding to the lore of South Park and making the characters deeper, they are just making a brilliant show better, which doesn't happen a lot anymore.


Wednesday, November 10, 2010


There, now that that is out of the way....

Hello friends. And welcome to Adventured Nerd! My name is Mike and my partner is Trey. Partner, like we share the workload, none of that PC gay stuff. Anyhoo, this is a blog aimed at Nerds and the entertainment minded. Our goal is to provide an unspoken opinion on topics and try our hardest to make it funny and not come across looking like assholes, though I fear it's inevitable. Here are some features we will be posting shortly:

- Reviews of movies, TV and video games. We will use our non-expert abilities to complain about as much as possible, then rank said product on a scale from 0-10.
- The Adventured Nerd Podcast where you can hear our voices and the shit we have to say.
- Rants. Lot's o ranting.
- "If I Did It..." A weekly post about if Trey or I made something like a movie or game or baby.
- Secret Sequels- Where we will unearth the lost scripts to some of the most beloved movies.
- Did I mention rants?
- Video!!! Lot's o meme's!!!

I'm sure as time goes on we will be adding many features and guest bloggers. not to mention one or more of the above ideas migh turn out awful and not be used. Jussayin'.
Again, welcome, and thanks for coming. And check back daily for new things to waste time on.