Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Oscar High-Holy Week

Hello members of the Academy. Not that Academy. The beautiful, big breasted, wonderful personality Academy.

Oscar season is over for the year and the winners are: MOSTLY UNDESERVING AS USUAL. I don't want to get into any specifics but I wasn't happy with all the winners (congrats Nat-Po, you wonderful lady!)

No, to me, the best part about the entire ceremony wasn't the awkwardness of James Franco or that lady that dropped the "Fuck bomb". No it was Steve Martin.Or rather, Steve Martin's Twitter account (@SteveMartinToGo)

Steve Martin came up with this idea that the week before the Oscars plays out like Lent or Hanukkah for celebrities. He's been posting the rituals a famous person does all week long to prepare for the exciting night.

Sunday-
Oscar Palm Sunday: The Triumphal entry of celebrities past regular diners at the Palm steakhouse.

At 6pm PST, starting overnight caviar on toast-points fast, giving up capers and diced hard-boiled egg yolk condiments.

Monday-
Oscar Holy Monday: The Ceremony of the Borrowing of the Jewels.

Tuesday-
Oscar Holy Tuesday: The Holy Reading of Bad Reviews of Movie Classics.

Oscar Holy Tuesday Afternoon: The Holy Reading of Rave Reviews of Movies Never Seen Again.
 Wednesday-
Oscar Holy Wednesday: The Coveting of the Nomination
Oscar Holy Wednesday: The Ritual of the Scuffing of Soles of New Shoes to Prevent Slipping.
 Thursday-
Oscar Holy Thursday: The Holy Reading of Presenters’ Banter from Oscars Past
 Friday-
Oscar Holy Friday: The Holy Reading of the Grosses (On the first weekend, E.T. did take in….).

Oscar Holy Good - But We're Going to Have to Pass - Friday.
Saturday-
Oscar Holy Saturday: The Sacrifice of the Virgins. Oh wait, that takes place all through the year.

Oscar Holy Saturday: The Ritual of the Purchasing of the Purell

Oscar Holy Saturday: Man-Waxing

Oscar Holy Saturday: The Casting of the Seat Fillers.

Sunday- Day of the Osacar's

Oscar Holy Sunday: Today you are forbidden to drive yourself.

Oscar Holy Sunday: The Ritual of the Wedging of the Spanks.

Oscar Holy Sunday: The Ritual Thanking of the Lord for Helping One Win and For Not Helping the Other Nominees.=========================================


I truly believe that not only do some people treat this over hyped ceremony like it was a religious event, but that some people do the exact things he's saying, no matter how ridiculous it sounds. So, thanks Steve, for giving me one good reason to be excited about the Oscars day to day. 








 On a side note.... BANKSY WAS FUCKING ROBBED GO SEE EXIT THROUGH THE GIFT SHOP!!


Wednesday, February 9, 2011

NEW VIDEO: The DRUNKEST Birthday pt3 "HAMERICA"

We did it!!! The exciting conclusion to "The DRUNKEST Birthday" series is here!!! What will happen? I'll give you a hint, it's a lot like the conclusion to LOST. Whatever that means....

Podcast of the time "Nerdist Podcast"

I couldn't promise to bring this to you guys every week/month/whatever so I'll just try to remember as best I can.

I've really been getting into Podcasts over the last year or so. They are great to listen to while you work out, drive, or just have some time to kill and want to laugh. There are a million and a half Podcasts out there about a million and a half things, but I find that comedy Podcasts are the best.

This time I'm giving my Podcast award thingy to Chris Hardwick and his crew at The Nerdist Podcast. Not only do they get every reference known to man, but they are all actually great interviewers. Chris Hardwick worked for MTV in the 90's and then floated around the comedy world and having a hand in making G4 funny whenever he was on, until forming Nerdist and helping jump start the "The Great Podcast Rush of the late early 2000's". I'm sure you can realize why such a catchy name never took off. Be warned though, the title says it all. It is nerdy. Very nerdy. Some would say that's a very good thing and other might not. Although, I don't know why you would be here if the word "Nerd" turned you off. (unless you are one of my relatives...Hi Daniel!!!)

Here are some of the best episodes:
Episode 5 Jon Hamm
Episode 11 Eugene Mirman
Episode 13 THE (fucking) MUPPETS
Episode 36 Donald Glover
Episode 49 Billy West

Also there are many scattered live episodes that bring on an entirely new element to the mix. From the cast of Mythbusters to David Koechner and Tom Kenny to Fred Willard and Craig Ferguson.

This is also a really great Podcast to listen to if you are a fledgling comedian. Chris and his guests usually have some great insight into the entertainment industry and mastering your craft, whatever that may be. So congrats, Nerdist Podcast! And enjoy YOUR burrito.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

If I Did It... Dark Knight Rises and Superman: Man of Steel


Hello you beautiful bastards,

Mike here with another edition of "If I Did It..." This time we will discuss if I was in the very rare role that Chris Nolan is in right now. He will be directing his third, and most likely last, Batman film this year as well as having a huge hand in helping save the Superman movie franchise. He won't be directing the latter though, that role will be filled by Zack Snyder. Which means we can expect a visually stunning and more than likely darker toned version of Superman.

Now, if I did it, I would use this opportunity (making both movies) to end the Batman story and begin the Superman story together. I would have a cross over, thus rivaling the impending surge from Marvel once The Avengers comes out. It seems like there will almost never be a Justice League movie so this is D.C's best bet for any kind of a big cross-over.

So, let's start with The Dark Knight Rises. They are bringing in a lot of different characters in this one, from Selina Kyle AKA Catwoman and Bane to the possible return of Harvey Dent and Joseph Gordan-Levitt in an unnamed role. The story should follow Batman after the "death" of Harvey Dent there is a manhunt for him by the authorities for suspicion in that death. While Batman deals with that and Bruce Wayne dealing with a deepening depression over the events of the last film and the rapid decay of the city he is supposed to be protecting. More and more criminals are beginning to dress up and run amok after being inspired by the lunacy of the Joker. This brings in the teaming up of Catwoman and Bane.

Trying to deal with that Batman acquires a new ally in Joseph Gordan-Levitt. Now one of two things could work out. Either, Levitt can play Dick Grayson and become Nightwing, help Batman in this movie and come back in later movies or he can take on the role of Edward Nigma AKA The Riddler. If he were to play Nigma he could befriend Batman at first and design him new toys and eventually fuck him over and become the Riddler out of hate for the Bat. I'd personally rather see him in the Nightwing role so that he will one day have his own spin off or in the very least show up in future movies.

So, as more and more costumed lunatics roam the city, the police hunt for Batman becomes a lot more heated, as everyone is blaming Batman for the fall of Gotham. They eventually call in the help of BUM BUM BUM Superman to bring the Caped Crusader to justice. I know Nolan has stated he wants to keep his Batman universe real, hence why no one has any kind of superpower or crazy machines to wreak havoc with. But, I believe you could still keep this rule true in a way by having Superman play almost a silent, faceless character up until the final battle between the two. Which, will be badass.

The fight would start as Superman is walking the streets of a Gotham destroyed. After a battle with Bane and any other villains by the end of the flick the city is pretty much in ruins from riots during an earlier blackout caused by an EMP being set off. Superman is calling out Batman, by name, demanding he show his face. Then, under Superman's feet there starts a rumbling and grinding noise as a giant tank-like Batmobile comes crashing out of the earth hitting Superman. Batman is inside and unleashes a barrage of powerful missals and explosions at him. As the dust settles, and Batman gets out of the Tank in an "Iron Man" like Batsuit, we see that Superman is bleeding and actually hurt. Batman reveals he has figured out a way to make fake Kryptonite, which is almost chemically sound to the real stuff. Batman begins to really pummel Superman all the while telling him how he is a joke, and just an errand boy to the government. Batman explains that if Superman had helped him they could have saved a lot of people but now they both will die. Superman is confused until Batman reveals that he has taken a pill that will stop his heart any minute now. Batman takes out a dagger made of the fake Kryptonite and attempts to stab it into Superman's stomach but before he can get deep enough to kill him, he passes out on top of Superman and with his last dying breath, tells him "I want you to remember the one man who beat you."

Then ending would be Superman joining Batman's side and fighting against the new oppressive US government that use to control him. And Superman talking about how he doesn't have to fight alone anymore.

Now, admittedly I am not a Superman fan but if done right, he has the potential to be a much deeper and three dimensional character than earlier incarnations. The Superman flick would basically follow the storyline of him finding other heroes to team up with and fight against President Lex Luthor and his secret adviser, Brainiac.

Now, I'm sure both of these movies, whether or not they use my storyline, will make a couple hundred million dollars each. But, if Nolan and crew heed my advice, well then they will all be making Avatar money.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Jon Daly

Hello comedy nerds!

Mike here, and today I've brought with me a couple of videos from seasoned comedian Jon Daly. Jon has been in the comedy game for quite some time. He has been on Human Giant and pioneered long form improv with groups like MOTHER and Mr. A$$. He is a regular on Comedy Death Ray Radio with Scott Aukerman playing my all time favorite character, "Bill Cosby-Bukowski". Check out this video from FunnyorDie



And one he did with Rob Huebel and Steve Agee called "Human Centipede Anonymous"






There you have it folks. More laughs than you can shake your dick at. Or vaginas......whatever....

Sunday, January 23, 2011

NEW VIDEO: BLOOPERS

Hello you 24 hour Party People,

(good flick by the way) I am here to present to you what happens when you have an open weekday, old Halloween costumes, and no electricity. Please enoy BLOOPERS:

Zachary Quinto presents FOREFATHERS

Hello friends,
I've been hard at work to scrounge up the best comedy the interweb has to offer. You guys all remember that ill-fated show "Heroes", right? Well the main bad guy (and possibly one of the only good characters from that show) was Sylar, who could steal any power away from a superhuman and use it himself. Blah Blah Blah.

The real reason I'm bringing this up to you is because Zach (we are close friends so I can call him Zach) made all these hilarious short films with a team called PERIODS. It seems their forte' is taking period pieces and giving them some modern dialogue and even more modern characters. Check out this video entitled FOREFATHERS:




But, possibly the cream of the crop is an ongoing series called BEFORE/AFTER. Where Zach and the always hilarious Philip Quinaz show you what happens before and after an event in life. Part one of this series can be found (not) here at Funny or Die:


http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/ccb4a04623/periods-presents-before-after-w-zachary-quinto
As always, enjoy and if you like these videos give them a comment or a thumbs up or send naked pictures of yourself to whoever had a hand in making it. That's what I do when I like something.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

The Drunkest Birthday pt2: "There's Cheesecake!"

Hello friends. Mike here with the second part of our very exciting series "The Drunkest Birthday" starring my fat friend Colin. Here we see him attempt to eat cheesecake, fairly successfully. We also find out the cause to all of this senseless self destruction: adoption! Enjoy, you mild mannered reporters!

video


Wow.... well stay tuned for Part 3 "Hamerica" coming very soon, exclusively to Adventured Nerd!

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

If I Did It... Ghostbusters III



It's New Years Eve 2011 and the film opens up at a party of college age kids. Everyone is exited about the countdown that will commence any minute, except one kid in the corner on his computer. From a distance, we see a pretty girl talking to her friends and noticing the boy form afar. She approaches him and asks what he is reading about on his laptop. "Ghosts" he says. "Supposedly, the world is going to end at the end of next year and this says it will be brought upon by paranormal beings, or ghosts." They smile at each other during a brief awkward second and just as he is about to ask her out, she thanks him and walks back to her friends. He hears her laughing at him saying something about a bet she made with her friends over what kind of nerd he was (i,e comic book nerd, WOW nerd, etc.). Then, as the midnight countdown begins the angry young man storms out of the house and begins walking home. Right at midnight as everyone cheers, all the power in the house goes out and when everyone one by one flicks their cell phone lights on, we see a bunch of ghosts popping up scaring the shit out of everyone at the party. OPENING CREDITS.

The basic story is about the kid at the party, Jimmy Tully (son of Louis and Janine Melnitz-Tully and godson to Peter Venkman) and Dana Barrett's son Oscar. They learn about a book that has foretold the ending of the world and a bunch of other thought to be natural disasters or accidents that have occurred throughout history. They locate Ray and Egon and tell them about the book. Egon tells them how they've known of it's existence for some time but could never find it. After the murder of Peter Venkman they spent all their money on investigating it for years.

Ray and Egon give them all the equipment since they are sure none of it still works. Then while messing around with one of the "Traps" it suddenly bursts open to reveal the ghost of Peter Venkman. Peter tells them how one night he heard a strange sound underneath the old firehouse, and while he was investigating he was murdered by a ghost. Then his body was thrown into the street and made to look like a mugging gone wrong. Then he decided to mess with Egon and Ray one night, but scares them too bad and they put him in the trap and forgot about it, because "they're old." Now that Peter is free he says goodbye to them and thanks them, since he can now rest in peace. Later, we see him attempt to scare Egon and Ray one more time but accidentally kills both of them in the process.

The two kids travel to NYC and find the old firehouse which is now an IKEA like store. They find a manhole nearby and descend. Underground they find an abandoned subway line which used to house a river of slime (like in the second movie). They battle through some ghosts with new and improved weapons, but as they get farther down the tunnel, the temperature begins to rise which is weird because it's December in New York. As they heat rises and the monsters get more dangerous the world is being more and more over run with paranormal beings. Just as they reach the location of the book (the center of all the psychokinetic and paranormal energy) they have to fight what appears to be the devil. A towering horned creature who breathes fire and cannot be sucked into the Trap.

After defeating him and destroying the book with the help of Peter, Ray and Egon, Jimmy and Oscar venture up to the streets to tell everyone that the only way to keep the paranormal activity down is to stay positive and only emit positive energy all the time. They both know this is a lie, but it wouldn't hurt anything either. They open up a new Ghostbusters in the city and the movie ends with someone coming in out of the pouring rain and simply saying "I need your help..." The camera pulls away from the group and out a window to reveal the look of the new Ghostbusters building.

THE END...?


PS- We gotta throw Winston (black Ghostbuster, ya racists) in there somewhere, alive.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

NEW VIDEO: Spanky playing an invisible saxophone

I'm sure your wondering why I have an obsession with invisible instruments (see Conan video below), well it makes me laugh. Pure and simple. You know how you always laugh at old people falling down? Same deal in my book. Now enjoy as my very talented friend Spanky (you may recognize him as the old man from BUS STOP 45...also see video below) plays an invisible sax.


"Good Story" by Mike

"Good Story"
(A Good Story)
by Mike

It’s already been an hour an a half. How long does someone wait for another person in a situation like this? If it was a date, I would’ve left at the forty-five minute mark. Maybe even less since this isn’t a bar. I’m sure she would’ve loved to meet in a bar. Ninety days sober and I bet she couldn’t go five minutes in a bar without cracking. Her drinking consumed her, and I’d like to think she’s over that now but I’m not going to hold my breath anytime soon.

Kevin is almost seven years old now. Old enough to realize not living with either of your parents is odd. His quiet demeanor has bloomed into intelligent thought provoking ideas. It angers me so much to think that someone could just abandon a child, like an animal. Especially, when that child grows up to be such a wonderful person at only seven years old.

The newspaper has become this, shield for society. So much hatred, murder, lies, losses and destroyed lives to read about every day. It helps you to walk out your front door with a head full of negative thoughts and have one spark of sour optimism that says, “Well at least your dog didn’t kill your elderly mother.” Or, “Well at least you didn’t win the lottery, only to have your neighbor kill you and steal it to flee to their homeland.” It lets you take all the problems you’ve ever had and put them under a magnifying glass and burn them with the sun.

My mother didn’t want to help at all. She said in the beginning I should have given Kevin up for adoption because “she isn’t paying for another human being for as long as (she) lives”. I agree that adoption is beautiful and most people applying would’ve been a great parent to him, but he deserves to live his life with his family, no matter how screwed up we are. I couldn’t forgive myself if I ever gave up on him like everyone else did. I may not be the most responsible or have the means to fully support the both of us but I love him, and that has to count for something. Plus, I’m the only one who stood up when the time came to act, to do the right thing.

I can’t wait here any longer. But I can’t stand to see the tears in his eyes again. This boy needs to meet his mother. Meet her for the first time with these new eyes to the world. I can’t stand that he will end up like the rest of us with a callous exterior from the world. Ill never have a child of my own, so this has to work out.

“Kevin, I don’t think she’s coming. We should head out before it gets too dark.”

I stood there like a prisoner of war waiting for the shots to ring out. Waiting for his tears to ring out and pierce my heart.

“Okay Aunt Marie. Were there any good stories in your paper?”

I couldn’t believe it. This child just got his heart ripped out by his biological mother’s absence and he couldn’t care less. He just looked at me and smiled, as if to say, it’s all going to be all right… THE END

NEW VIDEO: Neil Hamburger destroys a heckler

A little more than a year ago, I went to a small hole in the wall bar and had the unbelievable privilege of watching Neil Hamburger (arguably one of the best working stand up comics in the world) form a mere 2 feet away. During his set, a man kept finishing his jokes for him until Mr. Hamburger, had something to say to the heckler.  Watch the genius at work:









You might recognize Neil Hamburger from "Tim and Eric Awesome Show: Great Job!", "Tenacious D and The Pick of Destiny" and the upcoming "Hamlet A.D.D"

Friday, January 7, 2011

NEW VIDEO: The Drunkest Birthday PT 1

The description of this one says it all. My good friend Colin drinks too much every year on his birthday/new years eve/day. We decided to film his ramblings this year and cut it up into different episodes. So enjoy "The Drunkest Birthday, Part 1: Where's My Food?!"

PS- There may be some border line offensive things being said but I believe they are too stupid to be considered racist, etc. and also I know Colin isn't prejudice towards anybody, because he hates everyone. And keep an eye out for episode 2 soon!

Thursday, January 6, 2011

NEW VIDEO: Conan O'Brien's Invisible Guitar

By now I'm sure you all could guess that I am a huge CoCo fan. From the Simpsons to TBS I've been there. Here is a great joke from a recent episode of "Conan" where he is demonstrating his favorite guitar move where you solo and tune your axe at the same time. Enjoy the clip you strawberry-headed vanilla children!

NEW VIDEO: Shut It!

The other day I happened to watch the first Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie and noticed a really weird scene. Check out this lame joke the foot clansmen tells just so he can hit a woman. For shame, ninja's. ENJOY THE VIDEO YOU GENIUSES!